This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
