I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
