The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So squirting runs in the family.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
