How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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