Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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