Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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