My liver just broke up with me...
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
