I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
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The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
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Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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