I'm gonna have a badass scar
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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