i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
