hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
