He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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