gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
