Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
