I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize