EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
