Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
