How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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