i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
