No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
