I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
