I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Success! We fucked roommates!
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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