Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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