I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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