textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I look better un-naked...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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