rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
