An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
