my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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