Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
