She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
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