Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I have fence marks all over my body
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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