you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
