so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
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I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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