Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.