nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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