Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
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I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
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I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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