She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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