I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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