Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
