I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They are going to name an STD after you.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
