I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
