just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
