Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
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