I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Is Oprah even human
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
