My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
