This is not my ceiling
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
