dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
