On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Im part way to drunk.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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