I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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