The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
