Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
