I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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