It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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