the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
