Someone shit on the floor
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
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DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
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Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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