i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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