people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
