this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
