Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
