Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
