yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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