my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
